Musings from a hospital stay.

So, as I write this I lay in a hospital bed, I haven't slept in something like 2 days, I've been eating hospital food, and oh...did I mention, I'm missing a tiny little organ otherwise known as the appendix?

It was cut out last night, when I went into the hospital in pain. Too much pain to even sleep. I'd woken up to what I thought would just be a simple enough stomach ache, I thought I'd be able to sleep it off. But rather, I tossed and turned in my bed from 2 pm until 1 am, when I finally decided I'd had enough and I needed to go to the hospital.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I've always feared that one of these days I'd end up with appendicitis, and boy, was I right.

A "pee-in-the-cup", blood test and CAT scan later, I was carted off to surgery. They knocked me clean out, nice and neat, cut out the offending organ (which I've heard was pretty bad-looking, apparently going rotten inside my body. Blech.) and then woke me up and sent me off to recover.

And, I've had a very localized, very uncomfortable pain just over my right hip ever since. The downside, this makes it hard to laugh much, makes it hard to get up to do anything, and without an ice pack and lots of percoset, it hurts even if I lay still.

On the plus side, most of Friday I wasn't alone, I had many visitors. Turns out my massive text-sending was quite a thing for a lot of my friends to wake up to. Scared some, surprised others. Even caused two of said friends to leave work and drive all the way up from Whidbey Island to come and see me, much, much earlier than they were supposed to head up this way. People brought flowers, cookies, green tea...^^; and hugs. And lots of company.

And now, as I type this, I'm alone. Waiting for it to be visiting hours again, waiting to see who shows up to visit today. Waiting to see when I get to go home, if I get to go home today. The IV has been stopped, antibiotics and such no longer annoying the hell out of my arm, but the needle's still there. Just in case, they said.

Mmmhm. And there's a nice fat ice pack over my hip where the incision was. I don't get to see it yet - there's still a bandage. I'm kinda glad, if it looks as bad as it hurts I might just go batshit crazy moreso than I already am being cooped up here not able to sleep and lonely as all hell.

Fortunately, all the staff here are really nice. And really helpful. And before they moved me upstairs, the people taking care of me on the lower floor in east wing were sad because they said "Our favorite patient's being moved!" Awwhs. I feel special. ^^;

Its been years since I've ever been in the hospital, but man does it still feel creepy and scary as it did when I was seven. And back then, I didn't have to have surgery, just a whole lot of tubes stuck down my throat and needles poked in my arms.

Oh, and male nurses still creep me the fuck out.

It just doesn't stop

Tuesday afternoon I was informed that my great-grandmother was in the hopsital after having fallen down on Friday.

She fell down Friday, and wasn't found until my mom went to visit on Tuesday.

That's FIVE DAYS that she lay on the ground, helpless and unable to call for anyone.

I'm more than just upset, I'm angry because that should not have happened. It could have been prevented.

I almost feel like we should have gotten her one of those life monitor button things before, when she moved out on her own years ago. But we're getting her one now.

It's just that, there are days when I worry that it won't be too neccessary after so long. I'm always afraid that that call from grandpa's going to be the call telling us she's gone or she's about to go and I'll have to rush my ass to the hospital to say goodbye.

You see, the last 5 people I lost in my family, I never got to say goodbye to. Actually, I never got to say goodbye to anyone I ever knew who died. But great-grandma helped raise me, and my mom, and she's more of a grandma to me that my real grandma, my mom's mom, is. She was more of a mother to my mom than her real mom was.

And, just like my dad's grandma, she's just about the only thing still keeping all the family together. If she goes, the family'll fall apart. My dad's side wasn't quite like that. When we lost great-grandma, the family just pulled closer. My mom's family isn't that way.

I don't know if I could bear to see my family continue to fall apart like this. If I had my way, we'd see each other more than just once a year. If I had my way, my mom's cousin wouldn't have ran off with my great-grandpa's guns, and he wouldn't have ran off without a trace. We haven't heard from him in almost 10 years.

If you can't tell, family means more to me than anything, and losing it means losing a part of myself. I'm just afraid, that now I'm getting older, so are they, and there won't be anything I can do. I know someday I'm going to lose my parents, and I'm just so afraid that the faster the rest of the family goes, the faster that day will come.

Death has never scared me, but the thought of living without someone always has. I still cry about my great-grandpa sometimes, and even my aunt Joanie who I never really knew.

It was just a matter of being too young to understand when they died, and now that I'm older, I understand all too well. There's nothing left but memories and possessions, and even those are becoming fewer and fewer...

In other news...

Kittens are adorable, probably one of the most adorable things on this planet.

The only problem? They're ANNOYING AS FUCK. Especially if you're me, and you can't stand whining no matter what it comes from - human, animal, machine, anything. (Unless it's the whine of a supercharged engine...mmm...)

Well, I got a kitten on Saturday, and yes, he is cute as a button. But there is no way in HELL you'll ever hear me say "oh, he's perfect, never makes a peep at night" because he does not shut up when we put him up at night and try to go to bed.

This makes me remember the Border Collie we had last summer, who would bark and whine and howl at night, and do you know what we did with him? We gave him away at the end of the summer because I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm kind of feeling guilty at this point, because I don't want to take care of this little ball of fluff. He annoys me too much. The only thing that gives me comfort is the fact that, just like my last cat, he'll eventually grow up and stop being so annoying. The downside to that is he'll also stop being so cute, but I think I can handle it. My oldest cat, our fat calico, is still cute sometimes.

She also talks. A lot. Not quite like this little guy, though. She only gets mouthy when she wants food. I really really really hope this kitty doesn't turn out like that.

And, I've finally settled on a name. I think I've decided to name him Gizmo. I almost named him Inspector Gadget, but my parents would probably throat me...

My good luck seems to have run out as of late

It seems that, in the past few days, I've had an ungodly amount of bad luck struck down upon me. I do not know why, I do not know what I could have possibly done except, you know, live, but somehow I feel that something's just out to get me now. Be it karma (for what?!), god (whatever cruel god there is) or just plain old bad luck that just happens to be all at the same damn time, I don't know.

All I do know is that it positively sucks and I'm feeling down in the dumps like I used to before I started LARPing. Now this is a bad sign, indeed. I never feel this way. The combination of things happening over the span of the last week and particularly in the last two days have slowly started pushing me over the edge, however, and I'm just about ready to crack.

For those wondering what the hell happened, well...my previous entry explains the deer incedent and that started the major ball rolling, as it were. Because, as I'm trying to push past the fright of that event late on Friday night with my LARP, my character gets killed.

Now, this shouldn't be too horrible - it's just a character. Granted, this was my very first character and my very first character death in any LARP. I admit it, I cried a little, but got over it. I can expand my horizons with the new character I'm planning for next week.

But, as if that weren't enough, god decided to rain down his wrath upon me in real life, and I returned to the out-of-character room later that night, grabbed my backpack and ran out to put my stuff in my car. While at my car, I decided I'd grab my iPod touch and listen to music while I waited for the rest of the players to wrap up, but to my horror my iPod and my camera were gone. I searched frantically, car and backpack, and ran back frantically to tell everyone.

Despite all my friends' best efforts it was hard not to cry. As someone who's had stuff stolen before, it puts you through hell and back - especially so because I had not a clue who could have done it and really, nothing to go on for a lead. Not to mention, both items had been gifts from family and as such I really didn't want to have to inform said family that they'd gotten stolen.

But, the misery doesn't stop there. I finally call in the crime to the WWU Campus Police and file a report, and go to coffee with the rest of the LARP group down at IHOP. Around midnight people begin to disperse so I do the same, but I know I need a few things for my new character next week and since I'm already heading back that way I decide to stop at Wal-Mart and then Walgreens.

On my way from Wal-Mart to Walgreens, I get pulled over by a cop. I've never been pulled over before. And do you know what I did to get pulled over? Absolutely nothing. I believe I took a turn too fast. Holy shit, that's a crime?! Luckily there was no ticket involved, or I'd have grabbed the officer's gun and shot myself right then and there.

As I was walking into Walgreens, with the way my life had gotten turned upside down the last couple nights, I thought to myself, "If I get mugged walking out of here, I swear to god I'm going to off myself as soon as I get home. I've had it."

Some days I only believe there is a god because he seems to love making my life miserable, just when I'm starting to be happy and have fun again. I may as well live under a permanent rain cloud.

Now, honestly? I'll live. Now I just have to sort through the shreds of my sanity to find the little bit I was clinging to before all this shit happened. I'm back to my shitty mp3 player and I have no camera save for my phone and my video camera. Which, if worst comes to worst, I'm going to sell because I never use it. I may never see my iPod or camera again. And, despite my dislike of police, I'm putting my faith in them to hopefully track my stuff down.

Why do people kill animals for fun?

Just last night, I discovered the sheer horror of hitting my first animal in a car. I've been driving since winter 2006, I've had my license since October of last year and I've been driving regularly since then, and the worst I have done since I first started driving was back into a parking meter and back into another parked car at 5 mph.

Last night, however, after quite a few close calls with birds playing chicken down high speed roads and a raccoon running across the freeway last weekend, I finally full-on hit my very first live animal in a car. And guess what it was.

It was no unfortunate kitty or dog that'd got off its leash late at night. It wasn't some pesky skunk or oposssum. It was, to my horror, a full grown doe.

Those familiar with Washington roadways, especially the less-traveled "back roads" as most of us like to call them, know that they are pretty populated with wildlife, considering the fact that most of our roads cut through farmland, forested areas and meadows and the like.

The road in question was Axton road, in particular the section that connects Hannegan to the Guide Meridian. I was about halfway down the road and I had just passed an oncoming car so my low beams were still on - this, as most of us accustomed to driving at night will know, will always be the major downfall of any animal in the dark because the driver won't see it until it is too late.

As was the case with me, I continued driving down the empty road, with my fingers just one click away from high beams, and before I knew what was even happening I was slamming on the brakes as a deer slid up the hood and came dangerously close to shattering the windshield with its flailing hooves.

Scared and shaken out of my mind, (I can imagine the deer felt the same) I pulled the car off the road and parked, grabbed a flashlight and jumped out to inspect not the car, but the deer. It had fallen off the hood of my car as soon as I'd stopped, and hobbled out of the way as soon as I began moving again. The fact that I have bad night vision teamed with general bad eyesight even though I wear glasses made it hard to see what had happened to the car so I didn't even bother. I was more concerned for the large animal I'd just mowed down.

The poor deer had decided to lay down next to a nearby fence, as it turns out I'd pulled out next to what appeared to be something to do with electricity stuff or what not so there was a large fence around the whole area. It lay panting and staring at me as I approached slowly, but as soon as I turned on the flashlight it got up and started to limp away. I didn't get any closer, but I was close enough to see the damage that my 14 year old Pontiac had done to this unfortunate creature.

I had hit the deer at about 50 mph, and as a result of this, I'd broken its front right leg. I was forced to leave, unable to do anything but feel sorry for the poor helpless thing at this point, and I watched it limp away into the trees as I drove off, still shaking.

Now, at this point I was still 20 minutes from home, and still had to stop in town before I could finally come home and relax. I started to think, though, as I drove back through Ferndale, that I had just witnessed a "deer in the headlights" for the first time. I started to wonder why men hunt and kill these beautiful animals, when enough of them are slaughtered on the roadways and left to die like that every year.

I don't understand the point of hunting, and I think hitting the deer last night made me realize why: I'm an animal lover (but anti-PETA, thank you) and I can't even bear the thought of running an animal over on accident, let alone killing one on purpose. I once dropped my cat face-first onto the picnic table on accident and as a result he ended up with a misshapen pupil, and I cried for a week after it because I felt so bad for him. (My parents constantly berating me about it didn't help, either.)

This experience has left me with more to chew on now than anything really has. It's an unfortunate thing to have happen, I know, but I think that from now on, if I hit an animal, I'll be lucky if I drive off knowing it isn't off dying slowly and miserably from being hit with 1.5 tons of Pontiac.

It's time for a change...

I've decided I can't quite give up this blog. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy my blog as an outlet for my rants too much to be able to give it up. Yeah, it began originally as a "senior year memoir" sort of thing, but screw that. I'd rather keep going as long as I see fit.

So, it's time for a change. Not only here, though. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and talking with my closer friends, and I've come to the conclusion that I am definitely not the exact same person I was when I started this thing. I mean, just look back at the first entry, from near to a year ago. September 2008. I was a pretty pessimistic little brat, if I remember correctly...

"And maybe, just maybe, I'll have a glimmer of hope at getting my license. Not likely, though, seeing as how I failed more than miserably when I tried last time. We'll find out on the 19."

Now, as it turns out, I didn't end up getting my license until mid-October. Looking back on it, that's a good thing. But back then, I was too wrapped up being afraid of failure and embarrassment to even try to think positive. These days, those lines would have sounded more like this:

"And in the coming weeks I get another shot at my license. Hopefully, if all goes well, I'll walk out grinning, but if not, then another lesson learned. There'll always be time to try again."

I've always said that I'm a bit of a pessimist on the outside, but I've always been an optimist and a wishful thinker on the inside. Since I've joined the LARP (Live-Action Role Play) scene late last summer, I've discovered so many new things about myself. But more importantly, I've been given the outlet that I needed for my expression, the food with which to feed my attention-starved ego. I suddenly found myself in a place where I could be the center of attention, while at the same time doing something that I loved: acting.

I also found the greatest avenue to finally open myself up. Now, almost a complete year down the road and away from where I started, I've come to accept who I am as completely imperfect. I'm okay with my flaws, and the ones that I'm not okay with, I'm trying to change. It's not as hard as I always was afraid it would be; I have help. I have met some of my greatest friends through LARP and I've met a few key people who've really opened my eyes to the world.

Not only that, but now that I'm no longer tangled in the chains of high school, I can be free. My parents pretty much don't care what I do these days; they've made it clear that they trust me, and that all they want is for me to be careful. I've learned how to have the kind of fun that I want to have without even having to so much as tell them a single detail or worry about them asking what I've been doing. As it turns out I usually end up telling them bits and pieces of the story anyway, because I don't mind them knowing some things. Can't keep them in the dark forever. They always find a way if they really want to know what's going on.

I tend to get lost on these ramblings, but I think the picture I'm trying to paint is pretty clear. It's been a year since I started this and I've finally shed all that weight and worry that was holding me down, and now I'm really trying to live. I never took chances during high school, but I don't regret that. The few chances that I did take led me to LARP, and that's helped me more than I ever expected it would.

I'm still learning, though, I admit that. And I'm still changing, still coming out of my shell, still evolving. But most days, I'm content with where I'm at. It never used to be like this, but I'm happy this is the way my life has turned out now.

And all I have to do to truly be free, is find myself a job and move out of my parents' house. When that happens, I have a pretty good feeling that my changes will be complete.

And thus, the caterpillar leaves its cocoon a butterfly.

Spring is upon us

With the coming of spring that means its almost time for graduation. Now its actually time to start thinking about it.

I have my cap and gown, I have all my graduation announcements and stuff, I will be getting my senior pictures done next week...now, all that's left is to finish my senior project, which will be online soon. It's not what I had hoped for, but it's enough and hopefully it'll be enough to pass me.

So what else is new these days? As usual, I spend less time on the internet and more time...sleeping, probably. Or with friends.

Speaking of friends, friendship is a powerful thing; never underestimate it. You might be in for a shock.

Just as an afterthought, I hope love isn't supposed to be in the air right now because, well, to put it bluntly I'm just not feeling it lately. Maybe I'm with the wrong person or maybe I'm just not a lover. I don't know. But in all honestly, I find it hard to muster up the strength to really care about it and get myself all worked up over. Again.

Though it does make for some interesting poetry.

Sup, Drama?

Mmm yes, drama. It's there. It won't go away. I could run, and run for days on end, and it'd still be breathing down my neck. I won't go into detail, except to say that I lost someone dear in my life and gained someone dear in my life in the last few weeks.

I lost a friend, as a result of getting a boyfriend. Not because she was jealous or something - more like she was angry that I didn't have "my priorities straight". Thank you, but I don't want my friends dictating what my priorities in life should be. Especially not someone two years younger, even, who's not about to graduate like I am. I know where my priorities lie - if I didn't, I'd be your age still.

Other than that, life is okay. Spending time cuddled up against a very warm boyfriend is great fun indeed. =] He makes life just that little bit more enjoyable. Having another to share things with, I like that feeling.

I do recall I said "Boys are not necessary" in my last post. I did, I did, and it's true, they aren't. But boys...they're kind of like chocolate. It's not necessary, but you always want it and when you've got it you always want more. =] I hate my analogies. They suck. Bear with me, I'm almost done here.

So much is important in my life these days, even little events, it is so hard to keep track. Where did all the time go? I started this in September. It is now March. I graduate in June. That's not that far away - and my Senior Culminating Project isn't even close to being done. I think I'm in trouble.

But, I feel fine. I don't know why, but I feel fine. Is it that I've stopped caring? Could be. Senioritis...ah...there we have it. I have a case of it and I have it bad.

Doctor, doctor, gimme the news...

Bad luck and birthdays

Wow, I have really forgotten about this thing. Shows how little time I spend around the computer these days...

School's getting way more hectic, now that first semester has come to an end. Right at the perfect time though; I go back to second semester on Monday 18 years old. Yes, I celebrated my eighteenth birthday yesterday. :) It wasn't much, just a cake and a day spent with friends and a frightful amount of money for someone like me to be handling, but it went well.

But, hell, there's been so much other stuff over the past few months, its so hard to keep up. My memory is terrible, and that's what this was supposed to be for...and then I never update. Ah, well. I make the most of my days, and I live for the future, not the past. What's done is done.

Being 18 doesn't feel any different, really, except that now I can stay out basically as long as I feel like on weekends. Sweet! And I'm now legally allowed to drive people other than my family around. Oh, and buy cigarettes and porn. If I were into that stuff, that'd be great, but I'm not, so meh.

I can also vote, but I'm not so enthused about that because the next major election is now 4 years away again. But I'll be ready and waiting!

And what of bad luck you say? Bad luck. I has it. Just to sum things up: guys are not necessary in life. Guys are optional. Why am I the only one who understands this but still tries anyway? Note to self: Stop. Just stop.

That is all.