It just doesn't stop

Tuesday afternoon I was informed that my great-grandmother was in the hopsital after having fallen down on Friday.

She fell down Friday, and wasn't found until my mom went to visit on Tuesday.

That's FIVE DAYS that she lay on the ground, helpless and unable to call for anyone.

I'm more than just upset, I'm angry because that should not have happened. It could have been prevented.

I almost feel like we should have gotten her one of those life monitor button things before, when she moved out on her own years ago. But we're getting her one now.

It's just that, there are days when I worry that it won't be too neccessary after so long. I'm always afraid that that call from grandpa's going to be the call telling us she's gone or she's about to go and I'll have to rush my ass to the hospital to say goodbye.

You see, the last 5 people I lost in my family, I never got to say goodbye to. Actually, I never got to say goodbye to anyone I ever knew who died. But great-grandma helped raise me, and my mom, and she's more of a grandma to me that my real grandma, my mom's mom, is. She was more of a mother to my mom than her real mom was.

And, just like my dad's grandma, she's just about the only thing still keeping all the family together. If she goes, the family'll fall apart. My dad's side wasn't quite like that. When we lost great-grandma, the family just pulled closer. My mom's family isn't that way.

I don't know if I could bear to see my family continue to fall apart like this. If I had my way, we'd see each other more than just once a year. If I had my way, my mom's cousin wouldn't have ran off with my great-grandpa's guns, and he wouldn't have ran off without a trace. We haven't heard from him in almost 10 years.

If you can't tell, family means more to me than anything, and losing it means losing a part of myself. I'm just afraid, that now I'm getting older, so are they, and there won't be anything I can do. I know someday I'm going to lose my parents, and I'm just so afraid that the faster the rest of the family goes, the faster that day will come.

Death has never scared me, but the thought of living without someone always has. I still cry about my great-grandpa sometimes, and even my aunt Joanie who I never really knew.

It was just a matter of being too young to understand when they died, and now that I'm older, I understand all too well. There's nothing left but memories and possessions, and even those are becoming fewer and fewer...