It's time for a change...

I've decided I can't quite give up this blog. I enjoy writing, and I enjoy my blog as an outlet for my rants too much to be able to give it up. Yeah, it began originally as a "senior year memoir" sort of thing, but screw that. I'd rather keep going as long as I see fit.

So, it's time for a change. Not only here, though. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and talking with my closer friends, and I've come to the conclusion that I am definitely not the exact same person I was when I started this thing. I mean, just look back at the first entry, from near to a year ago. September 2008. I was a pretty pessimistic little brat, if I remember correctly...

"And maybe, just maybe, I'll have a glimmer of hope at getting my license. Not likely, though, seeing as how I failed more than miserably when I tried last time. We'll find out on the 19."

Now, as it turns out, I didn't end up getting my license until mid-October. Looking back on it, that's a good thing. But back then, I was too wrapped up being afraid of failure and embarrassment to even try to think positive. These days, those lines would have sounded more like this:

"And in the coming weeks I get another shot at my license. Hopefully, if all goes well, I'll walk out grinning, but if not, then another lesson learned. There'll always be time to try again."

I've always said that I'm a bit of a pessimist on the outside, but I've always been an optimist and a wishful thinker on the inside. Since I've joined the LARP (Live-Action Role Play) scene late last summer, I've discovered so many new things about myself. But more importantly, I've been given the outlet that I needed for my expression, the food with which to feed my attention-starved ego. I suddenly found myself in a place where I could be the center of attention, while at the same time doing something that I loved: acting.

I also found the greatest avenue to finally open myself up. Now, almost a complete year down the road and away from where I started, I've come to accept who I am as completely imperfect. I'm okay with my flaws, and the ones that I'm not okay with, I'm trying to change. It's not as hard as I always was afraid it would be; I have help. I have met some of my greatest friends through LARP and I've met a few key people who've really opened my eyes to the world.

Not only that, but now that I'm no longer tangled in the chains of high school, I can be free. My parents pretty much don't care what I do these days; they've made it clear that they trust me, and that all they want is for me to be careful. I've learned how to have the kind of fun that I want to have without even having to so much as tell them a single detail or worry about them asking what I've been doing. As it turns out I usually end up telling them bits and pieces of the story anyway, because I don't mind them knowing some things. Can't keep them in the dark forever. They always find a way if they really want to know what's going on.

I tend to get lost on these ramblings, but I think the picture I'm trying to paint is pretty clear. It's been a year since I started this and I've finally shed all that weight and worry that was holding me down, and now I'm really trying to live. I never took chances during high school, but I don't regret that. The few chances that I did take led me to LARP, and that's helped me more than I ever expected it would.

I'm still learning, though, I admit that. And I'm still changing, still coming out of my shell, still evolving. But most days, I'm content with where I'm at. It never used to be like this, but I'm happy this is the way my life has turned out now.

And all I have to do to truly be free, is find myself a job and move out of my parents' house. When that happens, I have a pretty good feeling that my changes will be complete.

And thus, the caterpillar leaves its cocoon a butterfly.